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A SUNUNET INC Production - 2002 All Rights Reserved - |
TONTON ALI'S JOKES - www.CLUBSN.com - |
A SUNUNET INC Production - 2002 All Rights Reserved - |
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SIGNS THAT YOU ARE BROKE American Express calls and says, "Leave home without it!" Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. You rob Peter and then rob Paul. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. Your bologna has no first name. You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice. Sally Struthers sends you food. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. THE WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres Human Rights Advances in China "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman Al Gore: The Wild Years America's Most Popular Lawyers Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors Different Ways to Spell "Bob" Easy UNIX Everything Men Know About Women French Hospitality George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette The Amish Phone Directory The Engineer's Guide to Fashion YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO COFFEE IF... You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don't sweat, you percolate. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You answer the door before people knock. BUSH AND MOSES George Bush was out walking when he saw Moses. "Hey, Moses! STOP!!" he yelled. But Moses walked on, ignoring him. After a few blocks, Bush caught up with him. "Moses, why didn't you stop and talk to me?" asked Bush. "Well," Moses replied, "the last time I talked to a bush, I wandered the desert for 40 years." WRONG EMAIL Typing in the wrong e-mail address could cause some serious harm. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, He did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter,and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Signed, Your eternally loving husband. P.S. Sure it is hot down here. PEACE TALKS Saddam Hussein and Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bush sits down, he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the 2 countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!" A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the 2 men sit down, Sadam notices 3 buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Bush then says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?" TALKING TO GRANDMOTHER A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?" THE TRUTH... Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate and says: - Dear, I think it's time to tell him he's adopted. TELEPHONE EXCHANGE IN ASIA This joke was nominated "best email of 1997". It is about a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review..... Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service" RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine" RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS: "San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G : "You're welcome" PRESIDENT OF ZIMBABWE Once In a conference, three scientists - an American, a German,and a Zimbabwean,were talking and bragging about the technological advances their respective countries have achieved in the field of medicine.. Says the American, "In Washington, there was a baby boy born without forearms so we attached artificial forearms on him. Now that he's grown, he has become an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medallist at that!" The German replied, "That's nothing to what we have done. Back in Berlin,there was a baby girl born without legs so we attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time marathon gold medallist in the Olympics!!" The Zimbabwean interjected, "Is that all you have, just gold medallists? In Zimbabwe we had a baby boy born without a HEAD! We attached a COCONUT and he is now the President of Zimbabwe. |
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