__________________________________________________ |
A SUNUNET INC Production - 2002 All Rights Reserved - |
TONTON ALI'S JOKES - www.CLUBSN.com - |
A SUNUNET INC Production - 2002 All Rights Reserved - |
Which section do you prefer? |
SUM TING WONG Sum Ting Wong went to a job interview to be a secretary. When the manager saw Sum Ting Wong's colorful attire and gold & white-highlighted hair, his mind is screaming inside his head "NOT THIS WOMAN." Nevertheless, he still has to accommodate time to Sum Ting Wong. So he asked Sum Ting wong,"if you can form a sentence using the words that I give you, then maybe I will consider you as a candidate for the position. The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE AND BLACK." Sum Ting Wong thought for a while and said, "I hear the phone GREEN,GREEN, GREEN. Then I go PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW. . . . BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiyah, wrong number lah... Don't disturb PURPLE and don't call BLACK. OK!?!? Thank you." The manager fainted. 20 SIGNS THAT YOU ARE GETTING OLD 1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. 2. Your back goes out more than you do. 3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. 5. You are proud of your lawn mower. 6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws. 7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 8. You sing along with the elevator music. 9. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 11. People call at 12:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" 12. You answer a question with, "Because I said so." 13. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. 14. You know what the word "equity" means. 15. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. 16. Your ears are hairier than your head. 17. You got cable for The Weather Channel. 18. You can go bowling without drinking. 19. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 20. Tonton Ali sends you this list. PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random. If you are phobic, don't press anything. If you are anal-retentive, please hold. WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF INDIA IS ATTACKED? After the tragedy in New York and Washington the question arises: WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF India IS ATTACKED? Well ... if that happens, there can be no comparison. That's because in India we are much better prepared for these kind of attacks. 1. We do not construct exaggerated elevated buildings. 2. We all get on the job late in the morning, so at 8:45 there won't be sufficient people to kill. 3. Fire fighters and police officers will do their utmost not to get to the spot in time. They will reach there just when everything is over, so there will be no casualties among them. 4. India Airways would surely have fouled up the terrorists plans by being delayed again. 5. Indians would've never let a terrorist hijack a plane. They would've broken his a**, and send him back to where he came from. 6. A Indian would not have used his cell phone to call home. He would've hit the terrorist with it over the head. 7. If a terrorist was living for one year in India he would've been robbed and molested so many times he would've given up and gone back home a long time ago. 8. In India the terrorists would not have gotten the flight manual, they would've had to pay for it. 9. Osama would be so confused with who is really in power 10. You see... in India we are well prepared. ONLY IN NIGERIA This is a true story. It happened in Nigeria. A man was driving his car around 1.00am alone when he got to a check point. The police man stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out. The police had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him, guess what the police man said: - I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you come get accident now who go go tell your people? The man replied: - I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel, Angel Rapheal, Angel Micheal and five angels are with me here. The police man said: - All these people inside this your small car? Then I charge you for overloading. (God deliver us from Naija police o -Amin ) YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN... - You and your teeth don't sleep together. - Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. - At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. - Your back goes out, but you stay home. - You wake up looking like your driver's license picture. - It takes two tries to get up from the couch. - Happy hour is a nap. - You're on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money does. - You say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it. - You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time. - You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there. - All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. - Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. - It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. - Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. - Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. - The pharmacist has become your new best friend. - Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. - It takes twice as long - to look half as good. - Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work. - You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. - You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. SIGNS IT'S YOUR LAST DAY AT WORK..... - You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. - You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?" - You wake up hung over. - You have a black eye and barked knuckles. - Your underwear is missing. - You're in jail. - Last night was the company Christmas party. - As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife. ACTUAL QUOTES FROM TEXAS POLITICIANS * "Let's do this in one foul sweep." - Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton * "This is unparalyzed in the state's history." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis * "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis * "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis * "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis * "Which one is that?" "I just voted the way my wife told me to; she knew what it was." - Texas gubernatorial candidate Clayton Williams, when asked how he had voted on the ONLY proposition on the Texas ballot NEW VERSION OF THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you. Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections EXCUSES.... These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling): My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. |
__________________________________________________ |
