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A SUNUNET INC Production - 2002 All Rights Reserved - |
TONTON ALI'S JOKES - www.CLUBSN.com - |
A SUNUNET INC Production - 2002 All Rights Reserved - |
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TROUBLE WHEN... ... Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the CIA is on line 2, and CNN is on line 3. ... People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary. ... You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together. ... You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had. ... The simple instructions enclosed aren't. ... The plumber floats by on your kitchen table. 10 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A RAISE 10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter. 9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance. 8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores. 7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps. 6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham. 5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons. 4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender." 3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota. 2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock. 1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall. FUN AT THE DRIVE-THRU Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order- takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and asmall medium fries, please". In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells. Drive through with a car full of naked people. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe". THREE ENGINEERERS There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?" UGLY FACES Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playgroung, Ms.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said: - Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that. Bobby looked up and replied, - Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned GOD WILL HELP ME There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off. The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves. The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me. Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?" God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want? PUZZLED... President Mugabe goes on an official state visit [surprise, surprise]to a small country in the middle of Africa. At the irport he is met by this country's Minister of Harbours.All of a sudden Mr.Mugabe realizes that this is absurd as this country is land-locked! He is very puzzled and decides to find out what the story is. At the official state banquet later that evening, he leans over to the President and asks, "Mr.President, why do you have a Minister of Harbours when you don't have any harbours?" The President looks Mr.Mugabe straight in the eye and says,"Well you know that may be true Mr.Mugabe, but I was just as puzzled at why you have a Minister of Finance?" GO CHINA An African American, a Spanish and a Chinese were sitting at a bar..A blonde girl comes up to the bar and says: - Whoever can use "liver" and "cheese" in a sentence, I will marry him! The Spanish, thinking he had a chance, says: - I LIKE liver and cheese!! The blonde girl was not impressed. - Oh please said the bombshell you have to be able to do better than that!! The African american also thinking he had a chance, says: - I HATE liver and Cheese!! The blonde girl sighed and said: That was original! So the smart-ass chinese stands up and say: - I can beat both of those sentences. The blonde girl says: - O.k. give it your best shot. So the chinese says: - Liver alone Cheese mine (leave her alone she is mine). CUTTING A CLASS "Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." "It's English, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher. IN-LAWS... A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yes," the wife replied. "In-laws." WHAT'S UP WITH THE NUTS? A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary." THE BEST EXCUSE A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. MEETING BILL GATES I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor." "Yes?" "I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?" "Sure." I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. "Hi, Ray," he said. I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting." CANDID QUESTION One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied. "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?" |
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