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A SUNUNET INC Production - 2002 All Rights Reserved - |
TONTON ALI'S JOKES - www.CLUBSN.com - |
A SUNUNET INC Production - 2002 All Rights Reserved - |
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HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY 1)You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold 2)You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office 3)You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city 4)Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles 5)Your twin sister forgets your birthday. 6)You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you don't have a waterbed 7)Your wife wakes up feeling amourous and YOU have a headache 8)Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat 9)You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business 10)Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife 30 WAYS TO GET RID OF A BLIND DATE 1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 2. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 3. Repeat every third third word you say say. 4. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. 5. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. 6. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about. 7. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. 8. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female. 9. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. 10. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves. 11. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food. 12. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do. 13 Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults. 14. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you. 15. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?" 16. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates. 17 .Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up. 18. Ask your date how much money they have with them. 19. Order for your date. Order something nasty. 20. Communicate in mime the entire evening. 21. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous. 22. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs. 23. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... 24. Hold a debate. Take both sides. 25. Auction your date off for silverware. 26. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you. 27. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal. 28. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out. 29. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite. 30. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant. 31. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her. 32. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. 33. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills. 34. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it. 35. Accuse your date of espionage. MEN, WOMEN AND MARRIAGE Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring wedding ring suffering My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand. A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here." Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man! A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE 10. He sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh." 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy." 5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap." 4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks. 3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening." 2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese. 1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards. THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES - It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. - A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. - If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. - Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. - It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. - When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. - No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. - Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. - When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. - You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. - Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. - An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. - Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on. |
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